SI: Bella's Story
by LauraAnn22
Summary: This is Bella's life before Edward, an series of outtakes from my story Sensual Inamorata. So, if you aren't reading SI, you will have no idea what I am talking about.
1. Chapter 1

**Sensual Inamorata: Bella's Story**

**This series of outtakes is Bella's life before Edward (in my story Sensual Inamorata), everything about Demetri, Ethan, and her heartache. **

**GRAPHIC WARNING:** These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, rape, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic.

**Important Note:** These time lines may not line up perfectly with things that I have said in my story line, but it is most accurate this way. Sorry, I am not perfect and the math when writing didn't line up perfectly when I put it into words.

**First Semester at NYU **

**August - December 2002**

_I stood before the brick building with my bags in my hands, a new world and new life before me. I was nervous and anxious, but it was all a dream come true. New York was way bigger then Forks, the people were way different and I loved it. I made my way to my dorm room to find out that I didn't have an assigned roommate yet, which was alright with me. I was an only child and didn't really care for the idea of having a roommate. Plus I could decorate the room any way I wanted. I covered the walls in racing posters and my favorite bands, plus tons of pictures of my parents and Jake. I missed home and them already, but I needed this experience. My father and I hadn't left things on good terms-he had his dreams and I had mine-, but I hoped one day he would understand. I had to do this for me. I had to find myself outside of the tiny town of classes were interesting and challenging, but I made my way through them. I called my parents twice a week, but dad seemed to never be around or he was busy. I called Jake almost every night and he always made me smile and laugh. I was getting really home sick since I hadn't made any friends, it seemed like everyone else in the dorm was buddied up with their roommate. Which made me wish that I had one. Right before Thanksgiving my father finally decided that he wanted to speak to me again, it was awkward and strained, but he was trying. I figured my mother had something to do with it when she started badgering me to come home for the holidays, I had planned on it, but I had some exams between Thanksgiving and Christmas break. So Jake flew in and spent Thanksgiving with me. We bought a bakery turkey and watched old movies, it was a great day. We flew back together once all my test were taken care of. The first few days home were tense, dad still wasn't happy about me leaving, but I did my best to show how happy I was to be at school. By the end of the trip he started to warm up to me and told me that as long as I stayed in touch and came home for the holidays he would go along with it. Also I had to do a few races this summer, because he didn't want me getting out of practice. I agreed excited, because I really did miss racing. I was such a happy go lucky girl with the whole world at my feet. I was stupid. I thought the world was a beautiful place that would always treat me right, I was so wrong. _


	2. 2003

_**GRAPHIC WARNING: These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, rape, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic. **_

_**January 2003**_

_As I entered into my dorm room for the second semester of school I was shocked to see that my stuff was moved back to my side and the left side was now occupied. The walls were lined with gothic/emo art; the comforter on the bed was jet black with red pillows. Every other accessory was either red or black, no other colors. I glanced at my side that was all over the place and every color you could imagine. I was suddenly worried about who my new roommate was. There was a bunch of skull and cross bone designs on stuff. I felt a shiver run through me as I took in her side. I had a feeling it was going to be a long semester. I just hoped that she wasn't a devil worshiper of something. My family wasn't overly religious, but we did believe in God. I unpacked my things and straightened up my side of the room as I waited for my roommate to return so I could meet her and pray that she wasn't some psycho. About thirty minutes later a short girl with long blonde hair, small eyes, black cloths, and red nail polish entered the room. She looked completely innocent and her cloths did not match her child like face. She smiled at me and it was oddly sadistic. _

_"Huh." Was all she said as she walked over to her bed and plopped down. She then proceeds to pull out some pills and down them. _

_"Hi." I said shyly and she chuckled."No need to be afraid I won't bite." Her smirk didn't match her face, it was way to evil. I had a bad feeling about my new roomy. _

_"My name is Jane, you must be Isabella?" _

_"Bella." I corrected her rolling my eyes, I hated the name Isabella. _

_"Right. Well don't mind me I am just going to let these pills take effect and chillax." I nodded and stared for a moment before turning back and continuing unpacking. _

_The rest of the week I rarely saw Jane and when I did she looked high. I hadn't really encountered many drugs or people that used them, but I knew the signs. I watched TV. It was the second Friday of the semester when Jane decided I needed a lesson in cool._

_"So do you do anything other then school work Isabella?" Jane asked sketching on a large sketch pad. _

_"Ehh. Making friends has been a little slow, plus I have a lot of classes to keep up with." _

"_Well you are taking the night off, because there is a bitchin party tonight and you are going with me." _

_"I don't know if that is my scene." She laughed a high pitched laugh._

_"I don't think you have a scene babe, so let me school your pretty little face." _

_I should have known then that it was a horrible idea, but I was naïve and followed her into this so called party I stood out like a sore thumb. I was wearing jeans, a t shirt, and my converse, which usually helped me blind in, but not here. Everyone was dressed in goth and there I was wearing a white t shirt. Opps._

_"Janie what do you have here?" A tall guy with dark hair and decent features asked. He had more piercings than I could count. "_

_My roomy Isabella." _

_"Bella." I threw in quickly not wanting these people to be calling me by my formal name. _

_"Bella, I am Felix." The guy purred and then he leaned in and groped Jane. I realized then that it was her boyfriend, she had mentioned him a few times, but never said his name. _

_"Oh hot damn who is this fine piece of ass?" I heard a deep voice ask and turned to see the definition of a bad boy. He had dark hair and he was built and had a tattoo on his shoulder. He oozed trouble, but the bad boy look captivated me and pulled all my innocence in. Like I said, I was stupid._

_"Dem this Bella." That is the moment that changed my life, his eyes locked with mine and he was obsessed. _

_I had never had someone other then Jacob pays so much attention to me. He followed me everywhere from that day on; he called me at least once everyday. It was crazy how persistent he was. _

_**March 2003**_

_After two months of Demetri perusing me I finally gave in and accepted a date with him. I was absolutely smitten with him and I had only put him off for so long, because I thought he just wanted me, because I was a virgin. But his persistence made me think that it was more, that he really liked me. For our first date he took me to a Dark Arts concert and it was the coolest thing. Everything was all dark and mysterious like him; he was attentive and caring the whole night. When he took me home afterwards he kissed me and my knees got a little weak, he was so sweet that I agreed to be his girl. _

_**April 2003**_

_Dating Dem was easy, because he was so sweet and loving to me, but he had a jealous streak and didn't want me around any other guys. Which was a problem since I talked to Jake almost every night, he didn't like that. He made me take down all my pictures of Jake in my room and told me to end the night time calls. So I rarely called Jake and when I did it was in secret. I had to lie to Jake and tell him I was just really busy. Dem was isolating me from everything and everyone, but him. Dem, Jane, and Felix were the only people I hung out with, it was always us four. Though I was always a little out of place and anxious, because they drank and used drugs constantly. All three of them offered their ways onto me, but I always declined. Dem would always smile knowingly at me as if he knew a day would come when I would no longer object to their ways. It is too bad that he wasn't wrong, but indeed right._

_**June 2003**_

_When Dem and I hit the four month mark we had made it to third base and he was getting impatient with me. He told me he loved me daily and I really thought I loved him and wanted to prove it. Everyone was having sex and I was nineteen, it was about time. So I told Dem I was ready and he was so excited and showered me with kisses and love. I just knew my first time would be amazing. Dem and Felix shared a house with two other guys and I had a small dorm room with Jane so Dem got us a hotel room for our first time. He didn't do anything romantic like candles and rose pedals, but he did buy me a really nice bracelet that said "Dem's girl" on it. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever, except then I didn't realize that he was marking me; because he was about to completely claim me as his. I knew the first time would hurt, everyone warned me that it would, but I had no idea it would hurt like this. I was spread eagle on the bed feeling scared and insecure. He didn't reassure me or whisper sweet nothings to me. He did lustfully smile down at me and put his penis at my entrance, I closed my eyes tight waiting for the pain._

_"Open your eyes." He ordered and I looked at him, he smirked. "This might hurt just a little." He warned and slammed into me. He didn't ease in like I expected him to and he didn't do it sensually. I cried out loudly in pain, but he didn't stop. He continued to go in and out of me grunting. "Wait, please it hurts." I cried grabbing at his arms feeling tears prick my eyes._

"_I know baby, but it will feel good in a minute." He said through his teeth as he went in and out of me. Tears rolled down my cheeks as he continued. It didn't feel good, it hurt the whole time. After a few minutes that felt like hours he suddenly tensed up and with one last grunt finished into the condom inside of me. I closed my eyes tight and swallowed hard. "That was amazing, you are so fucking tight." I didn't say anything I just laid there waiting for him to get off of me. _

_The whole next day I stayed in bed, I felt like my insides had been ripped and tore. Dem stopped by and forced a pain pill down my throat saying that next time he would make me feel good. I cringed at the thought of a next time, but I loved him so I knew I would do it for him. _

_**July 2003**_

_Dem asked me to stay with him for the summer and not go home, I figured it was because of Jacob so I fought him on it. I learned my lesson real fast._

_"I am going home for at least this month, I stayed last month, but I have to go see my family." I argued looking for cheap tickets on the internet in my room._

_"Your family my ass, you just want see that fucking red skinned kid." Dem's voice was mean and loud. I turned to see him standing behind me with his hands clenched into fist._

_"Jacob is my friend, nothing more. I am going home to see my mother and my father. Put your jealousy aside and get over it." I pushed past him towards my bed, but was yanked back by my hair. He then slammed me into the wall towering over me. I stood shocked; no one had ever laid a hand on me like that. _

_"You are mine and you will do as I say." He yelled into my face and my eyes widened in shock. _

_"Dem calm down." I figured he was high or something, but as the words left my mouth he seethed. He brought his hand back and it landed across my face, I fell to the floor from the force. I could taste blood in my mouth from biting my tongue. _

_"Call your family and tell them you won't be making it home." He ordered throwing my cell phone at me, I stared at him defiant. _

_I was always a stubborn person and had never really listened to anyone before, I was afraid of him, but I wasn't going to let him get me down at least not until his foot connected with my leg. My knee twisted at an impossible angle causing me to cry out in pain. Once my crying was under control I made the phone call. My mother could tell something was wrong and I explained that I was just upset, because I wouldn't make it home. She volunteered to make a visit, but I told her I was going to be so busy we wouldn't get any time together. With a promise to visit for Thanksgiving we hung up. I stared up at Dem wanting him to leave, hating him and not understanding what the hell happened. _

_"Speak a fucking word of this and I will not hesitate to beat the daylights out of you." He warned leaving my room. I cried myself to sleep. He had nailed the coffin shut and now had me fully isolated, he was all I had left and he knew it. The next morning I woke up to breakfast in bed and Dem sitting next to me. He apologized and since I was stupid, naïve, and thought I was in love I forgave him. He promised to never do it again, but he would break that promise at least a dozen more times. _

_**August 2003**_

_School started back up, but my grades were suffering already. Dem watched me like a hawk and was always making me do things for him so I had no time to study. I had moved in with him, Jane, and Felix because he said things would be better, but they weren't. On a really bad night I decided to have a beer, and then I had another, and another. That night when Demetri took me to bed things weren't so bad. I couldn't feel so much and it didn't hurt so bad when he slammed carelessly into me. He never made it feel good; he always found a way for it be empty and painful. The alcohol made it bearable. I loved him more then myself and thought I didn't deserve better so I started drinking more so I wouldn't feel when he hurt me. I didn't want to be without him. No matter how terrible he was, because there was times when he was sweet and loving. Usually after he was horrible and scary. I had allowed him to isolate me complete and I felt like I had no one to turn to. I had made my bed and now I had to lay in it. _


	3. 2004

**GRAPHIC WARNING: **These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic.

**Important Note: **These time lines may not line up perfectly with things that I have said in my story line, but it is most accurate this way. Sorry I am not perfect and the math when writing didn't line up perfectly when I put it into words.

_**January 2004**_

_I didn't make it home for the holidays, hell I didn't even call. I was drunk and depressed beyond reason. I had failed last semester and decided not to go back. All I did was lay around with Demetri and drink. (Dem and Jane came from rich families so they had access to all the money any of us needed.) I had moved on from beer to heavier stuff like whisky and vodka. I was at the point were I could drink it straight from the bottle without a care in the world. _

_I had learned not to piss Dem off so he wasn't hitting me so much, but I still had to please him sexually without being pleased myself. His pleasure was my pain. I had to fake an orgasm-which I had never had one so I had to watch a porn to figure out how to do- so that I wouldn't get knocked around. Apparently it was my fault he couldn't get me to finish. _

_**May 2004**_

_It was this month that things went horribly wrong. (Well wrong for our already terribly wrong relationship.) We were having a party at the house and I was off to the side drinking and minding my own business when some guy comes over and starts chatting me up. I immediately scan the room for Dem knowing that he wouldn't be happy about me talking to another guy and much to my bad luck he was watching. He narrowed his eyes at me and then came across the room quickly. He threw me over his shoulder and carried me off to our room. _

_There was an evil in his eyes, it terrified me more then the other nights. That night I said no and I fought against him, but it did no good. He forced himself into me and it was worse then any other night. I felt it all, even him as he finished inside of me. He left me naked, cloths ripped off and crying in the bed. _

_I laid there for an immeasurable amount of time before Jane came in with her goody bag, she sat down next to me and sat a mirror down. She then poured the white powder on it and handed me the small clear tube. _

"_Here this will make it all go away." She said and as I stared down into the glass my hair a mess, my eyes red from crying I did it. I snorted it down._

_It was the scariest and most numbing feeling. I don't remember the rest of the night._

_The next morning I hated myself for doing it and swore that I would never do it again. I hated the person I had become as I looked in the mirror of my bathroom. But I would do it again, not in the waking months, but later after my reason to live left the world. _

_**June 2004**_

_My period was only a day late, but I knew in my heart that I was indeed pregnant. I just knew it and I knew that Dem wouldn't be happy about it. I was terrified to tell him, as much as he had hurt me I couldn't let him hurt our baby. I had no one to turn to, when I called home no one answered. It had been months since I had been in touch and word about me dropping out had gotten back to them. My father had informed me that I was no longer the daughter he raised and not to bother calling him when I reached rock bottom. So it was no surprise that he didn't answer. _

_I called the one person I knew I could count on, Jake. He answered on the first ring and all I had to say was I need you and he was on the next flight out. I meet him at a restaurant too afraid to have him come to the house. Afraid of Demetri._

"_Bella not to be rude or anything, but you look like shit." I hadn't had a drink since I realized I was pregnant, I was having a little bit of withdrawals._

"_I feel like shit, hell I am shit." I said throwing my hands up. Demetri had taken everything from me, every piece of me. I was an empty shell with only a child to hold me together. A child conceived out of hate and jealousy, it had happened the night that Dem raped me, that I snorted coke. _

"_Bella don't say that. You are a little lost, but I can help you find yourself again. Come home with me, we will fix this all." He was so nice and I had ruined everything, I broke down crying. _

_I had to tell him everything or he wouldn't understand, but as soon as it was all out I realized it was a mistake. His eyes blazed with fire and I coward down used to being the blunt end of such anger, even thought I knew Jake wouldn't hurt me. I was used to being hurt so I knew nothing else. Jake grabbed my hand and looked deep into my eyes. _

"_Bella you are coming home with me and we are getting that monsters child out of you." He said quickly and I ripped my hand away from him and covered my baby, my stomach protectively._

"_No Jake, I want my baby." I told him shaking my head. "It is all I have, it is part of me. The only part of me. Please Jake." _

_He stared at me for a moment confused, but finally sighed._

"_Whatever you want, but that bastard isn't allowed in your lives." As soon as I realized I was pregnant I feel in love with my baby and with the love I realized that I didn't love Demetri. So I had no problem agreeing with Jake. We went back to the house I shared with Demetri, Jake escorted me into the house where only Jane was home. _

"_What is going on?" She asked looking Jake over._

"_I am going home." Her eyes widened and she chuckled darkly._

"_It is your funeral." Her words stopped me in my tracks and I knew it was true, Demetri would kill me. He wouldn't let me go, he saw me as his property. _

"_I am not going to let anyone hurt you, come on and get your stuff." Jake assured me and I quickly packed my things. As we were putting the last bag in the car Demetri and Felix flew into the driveway. They already knew what was going on which meant Jane called them._

"_Get in the car and lock the doors." Jake said handing me the keys. I shook my head fearing what they would do to him. "Go now Bella, think of your baby." _

_I ran to the car like a mama bear. Jacob closed the trunk and I thought he would come and get in, but he didn't. He waited for Demetri to get to him and he started throwing punches. Demetri through a few back, there body sizes matching up. Felix watched and even threw a few cheap shots in here and there. I was starting to get really scared so I rolled down the window and yelled distracting them long enough for Jake to get up and get an advantage. _

_Jake jumped in the car and I could hear Demetri yelling after us as we speed away._

"_Your mine Bella, I will see you soon."_

_**July 2004**_

_It took a month to get my parents to agree to let me come back home, with the news of a grandchild it was hard for them to put us both out on the streets. It was hard staying sober, but my family helped me through it. Jake stayed by my side everyday as promised. _

_**October 2004**_

_Jake, my mom, and dad all went with me to my five month appointment to learn the sex of the baby. At this point we were all getting excited about the new addition to the family and we had forgot about the deadbeat bastard who had provided the sperm._

"_It's a boy." The tech announced and we all gushed with excitement. I had wanted a boy so bad, but I was hoping and praying that he would look nothing like his daddy. I didn't want to be reminded of the evils of my past forever. _

_**December 2004**_

_It was a week before Christmas and I still didn't have a name for my baby boy and I had been through the baby book six times. I had a list of names, but nothing seemed right. I figured that maybe on the day that he was born a name would just come to me. _

_One day I was heading outside to take my dad some lunch at the garage when I got the feeling that I was being watched. I glanced around the street and I spotted the black Cadillac. The car wasn't familiar to me, but the way that the hairs on the back of my neck stood up told me who it was. I stared like a deer in the head lights as he stepped out of the car and made his way towards me. _

"_You're fat." He chimed looking me over in my big winter cloths. I backed away from him worried for my babies safety. _

"_I'm pregnant." I hoped this would hold him off, maybe he wouldn't hurt me. He stopped in his tracks._

"_Who's is it?" The anger was clear in his eyes and I wondered if the truth or a lie would be worse. _

"_Mine." I really didn't want to claim the baby as his, because it truly was mine. He narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips at me._

"_Who is the father?" His dominance showing through and making me extremely nervous. _

"_Whose do you think?." Surly he wouldn't want to harm his own child. He stood there staring at me and a smile graced his lips. _

"_We're having a baby?" He sounded as if nothing had gone on between us, as if we were still together. 'I'm having a baby' I corrected in my head, but didn't dare say out loud. I just shrugged my shoulders. _

"_I bet it is a boy, I always wanted a boy. Someone to carry on the name." He sounded honestly excited and it eased some of my worry that he wouldn't hurt me. "Oh Bella baby I am sorry about everything. You have to come back to me, we have to be a family. Our son needs me." _

_I stood there staring at him a loss for words. Was he serious? _

"_I can't." I whispered scared of his reaction._

"_Yes you can." He reached out and grabbed my arm nearly taking my feet out from under me. "We are having a baby and you are coming home with me." _

"_Let go you're hurting me." I cried out as he squeezed my arm tighter. _

"_Do as I say and I won't have to hurt you. Why don't you just listen to me Bella?" He started dragging me towards his car, I panicked._

"_Ok I will go, but I need to get my stuff." I lied. I wasn't the best liar, but this was for my baby. He turned and stared me down for a moment._

"_I will buy you new stuff." He finally said and continued on towards the car._

"_I have meds I have to take, you can't buy more, my doctor prescribed them." I lied again, he turned looking into my eyes._

"_Are you lying to me?" _

"_No." I said quickly. "Please let me go get them and then we can go be a family." _

_All lies. Much to my dismay, but not surprise he didn't let me go. Instead he ushered me into the house, my mother was in the kitchen cleaning up. She glanced over at us and raised an eyebrow in confusion. She had never seen Dem and had no idea what he looked like, but as her eyes narrowed in on his grip on my arm she knew. _

"_What is going on?" She asked drying her hands off and looking around nervously. _

"_Good news." Demetri smiled turning on the charm. "Bella and Demetri Junior are coming home with me, we are going to be a family. Isn't that right Bella." He tightened his grip on my arm, I nodded my head in agreement._

"_Just got to grab a few things." I lied and my hand tapped the counter as she eyed us. She wasn't stupid she knew what was going on, but she was torn on what to do. She needed to be alone to phone my dad, but at the same time she didn't want me in my room alone with him. I made the choice for her. "Come on Dem I will show you my room." _

_He smiled down at me glad to see I was playing along, but what he didn't know was I was really playing along with my mom. Once we were in my room he pushed me up against the wall a little too roughly. Though I was grossed out ,it was good that he was taking more time, because that gave my father more time to make it here and save me. "I have missed you so much baby." He purred into my ear as he licked and nibbled at my neck. My stomach turned with disgust. His hands moved down to my belly and I tensed up. "Kick for daddy." He cooed to my belly and I wanted to kick alright. I wanted to kick him right in his sack, but I didn't. I faintly heard the crunch of tires outside and relaxed knowing my father was here. Demetri didn't hear it. _

"_I need to use the restroom before we go and my meds are in there." _

_He eyed me for a moment before he let me lead the way, once there he held out his hand to me. _

"_Cell phone." I sighed and handed my phone over, then I locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't want to be in the line of fire when my father closed in on Demetri. _

"_Where is she?" I heard my father yell into the hallway outside of the bathroom._

"_In here dad." I called out to him._

"_Stay there." He yelled back._

"_Bella you need to come on baby, we should really be going." Dem called to me as if he could trick my father. _

"_She won't be going anywhere with you."_

_I heard a scuffle and I held my breath in fear. My father was fit and took martial arts back in the day, but Dem was double his size and half his age. There was a bang on the wall and a few grunts, then I heard the sirens and felt a bit relieved. There were some rushed voices and then after another moment I heard a soft knock on the door and my mothers voice._

"_He's gone sweetie." _

_I opened the door and fell into her arms. I pressed charges against Demetri, got a _

_restraining order and he was court ordered back to New York for charges he was wanted for there. _


	4. 2005

**GRAPHIC WARNING: **These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic.

**Important Note: **These time lines may not line up perfectly with things that I have said in my story line, but it is most accurate this way. Sorry I am not perfect and the math when writing didn't line up perfectly when I put it into words.

_**February 14, 2005**_

_Valentine's Day. _

_I always hated that holiday; it was lame and caused insecure girls to feel sorry about themselves. I sat on my bed with my feet propped up, they were so swollen I couldn't even wear shoes. My back was killing me and I couldn't get comfortable for the life of me. My due date had passed two days prior and last the doctor checked I was dilating. So, it was now just a waiting game, my baby boy would come out when he was ready. I still didn't have a name for him, but I knew that it would come to me when he came to me. Even though my feet were swollen, I was holding five pounds of water, and my back felt like it would split in half I was happy. I was excited, nervous, and blissfully happy. I held so much love for my son and he wasn't even here yet. I couldn't wait to hold him and look into his beautiful eyes. My thoughts were interrupted as Jacob appeared in the doorway holding something behind his back. He had grown excited as the days passed promising to be the best uncle ever. _

"_Are we having a baby today?" He asked making his way over to the bed._

"_Lord I hope so I don't think I will last another day." I sighed rubbing my huge beach ball of a belly. Jacob chuckled and held out a small pink box to me._

"_Happy Valentine's," I smiled at him taking the box of sweets. They were chocolate hearts that said 'be mine' on them. _

"_Thanks, Jake." _

_He had always bought me on something on V-day ever since we were kids it was sweet and tradition. I moved over so he could crawl into the bed with me. He laid his head on my belly and rubbed it as my baby boy kicked away. Jacob spoke in Quileute to my belly. _

"_Havh chi?8." He paused as if waiting for a response. "Ayqsocha_."

_I watched delighted as the baby kicked hearing his voice against my belly. The baby really liked him and his native tongue. _

"_What did you say?" I whispered quietly as I ran my fingers through Jake's long dark hair. He was my best friend and I wished that he had been the father, even if I held no romantic feelings for him. At least he was a decent guy and I could count on him._

"_Good morning and how are you." He stated smiling down at my belly and poking my protruding belly button, he thought it was so hilarious, but I enjoyed having here with me so I didn't say a word. _

_Late in the afternoon I started getting horrible pains, they were coming frequently and getting stronger. I called my mom up to my room as I felt a water like substance leaking out of me. Jake and Charlie ran around just like men on television, they panicked as if the baby was just going to fall out of me and onto the floor any second. I was in so much pain that I didn't pay them much mind. All I could think about was the fact that I was going to meet my baby boy. _

_Labor was painful and long, my mother held my hand and told me to breath. I knew Jacob and Charlie were right outside pacing the hall waiting for news. I refused drugs and it made my labor go by faster, when the time came to push him out, it was actually a relief from the pain and stress on my body. It felt natural to push, so I did just that, I pushed with all my might. After ten minutes that felt like thirty, my son fell from my body and into the arms of the doctor. They set him on my stomach; he was beautiful even covered in blood and crusty stuff. His screams filled the room as they suctioned him out, I smiled and cried relieved and blissfully happy. He had a good set of lungs and it was heartwarming to hear my child cry. My mother cut the umbilical cord and then they moved my baby over to the warm table to clean him up and get his vitals. The doctor cleaned and stitched me up, but my eyes did not leave my son. I could see him from where I was laying, but I caught the doctor's worried expression as she listened to my baby's heart. She had another doctor listen and then they whisked him away. I lay in the bed panicking and crying for my baby. Charlie and Jake came in and both tried to reassure me, we were all emotional messes. No one would tell us anything and my heart ached. _

_Finally, hours later, already the next day by the time the pediatric doctor entered. We all sat up straight and anxious as a nurse came in behind him pushing a small cart with my baby in it. They handed him to me and as I looked down at him, the perfect name came to mind, just as I knew it would._

"_Hello Ethan Jacob Swan." I whispered to him and he yawned big gripping my finger with his tiny hand. I looked up to see the doctor eyeing me with sad eyes, he had bad news. _

"_Miss Swan we found a few things that concerned us with your baby's initial post delivery test. While we had him in the nursery we ran a few more tests and I am afraid we have some bad news." He paused glancing around the room. "Perhaps someone else should hold him." It was that bad, I clutched Ethan to me shaking my head as tears rolled down my cheeks. They had been happy tears, but now they were turning into devastated tears. _

"_We will have to do some more test and wait on results, but it would seem that your baby has a rare heart condition called Ecocardiolonamious, there is no cure for it. This conditions is life threatening nearly a hundred percent of the time and I am afraid your son is in that percentage." I couldn't listen after that point I sobbed and held onto Ethan for dear life as he clutched to my finger. His grip was too strong to be that of a sick child. I couldn't lose him he was all I had. I just got him and now this doctor was telling me that I was going to lose him. _

_**February 20, 2005**_

_After more test than I could count it was final Ethan had the heart condition and he was far too small and weak for a transplant. The doctors said he would only last a few more days, a month at most before his heart would give out. He was given a death sentence and so was I, because when he died so would I. He was my life and without him life would cease to exist. _

_I clung to him for dear life in the days following, the rest of the family jumped between trying not to get too attached and wanting to bond with him while they could. It was a thin line for them and I didn't blame them. It was going to be hard enough when he was gone and I was gone, because when he left the world so would I. Two months passed and I was sure the doctors had been wrong. _


	5. 2006

**GRAPHIC WARNING: **These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic.

**Important Note: **These time lines may not line up perfectly with things that I have said in my story line, but it is most accurate this way. Sorry I am not perfect and the math when writing didn't line up perfectly when I put it into words.

_**February 14, 2006**_

_Three hundred and sixty-five days, two hundred doctors, and fifty nights in the hospital later Ethan Jacob turned one. _

_He had a racecar cake with a big-checkered flag candle in the shape of a one. Renee, Charlie, Billy, Jacob, and I all crowded around the kitchen as Ethan dug into his piece of cake with pure joy. _

_I had not missed a moment of my son's life, I saw him sit up, crawl, talk, walk, and say mommy the moment it happened. I watched his every move and tried to enjoy our time to the fullest, but each day I woke up knowing it could be his last. Knowing that my world could fall to pieces around me and that I could die painfully. _

_No matter how many doctors EJ saw they all said the same thing: It was a miracle he was still here and to enjoy our time with him. I hated doctors, because they couldn't fix my baby. I hated waking up knowing that it was one more day closer to the end. Every dimply smile made me cry and every word that crossed his lips pressed against my heart. _


	6. 2007

**GRAPHIC WARNING: **These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic.

**Important Note: **These time lines may not line up perfectly with things that I have said in my story line, but it is most accurate this way. Sorry I am not perfect and the math when writing didn't line up perfectly when I put it into words.

_**February 14, 2007**_

_Ethan turned two and I felt hope bubble in me. Perhaps he could be a true miracle and live a full life. He sat in Jacob's lap, the only father he would ever know talking a mile a minute, none of us had any idea what he was saying, but we all listened. Jake's smile was full of pride and love, he loved my son with all his heart and it made me love him even more. _

_We had another small party like we had for EJ's first birthday giving him all the presents the kid could ask for plus some. He was so sweet and so excited as he ripped his way through them. I watched with pure joy in my heart and soul, just a hint of fear lurking. No matter how much I forced myself not to dwell on death I knew it was coming. I could feel it in my bones. _

_**March 1, 2007**_

_Bundled up in our warmest cloths Jake, myself, and EJ made our way out into the snow. Jake had promised to take EJ to opening day at the racetrack. There wouldn't be an actual race, but there was tons of stuff to do. From watching practice to riding in carts and hay rides on trailers. It was like a warm up for the season. _

_We spent the day riding on trailers with hay and eating cotton candy. Jake, Ethan, and myself felt like a little family and the day was nearly perfect. That day I didn't think about Ethan being sick, I didn't think about the way he was conceived, and I didn't think about the fact that Jake was only my friend and not Ethan's actual father. For that day, we were all happy and whole._

_**March 9, 2007**_

_I learned what the owl symbolized._

_Jacob and I sat on my bed watching Ethan sleep, his light snores the only sound in the room. I could watch him sleep forever; he was so small and beautiful. He had mine and Charlie's hair and eyes. He was sweet and loving, his dimply smile made every person who saw him gush about his beauty. _

_The silence was broken by the hoot of an owl, it felt eerie, but I didn't think too much into it. Jacob stiffened next to me and I eyed him wearily as he tried to shake off whatever was affecting him._

"_What's wrong?" He shook his head refusing to tell me, but I could tell something was terribly wrong. _

"_Jake just tell me." Nevertheless, he wouldn't. After he left, I racked my brain trying to figure out what had changed his demeanor, what had made him react? The only thing that came to mind was the owl, so I goggled it. What I found made my heart stop and my stomach heave. _

_The page read that in some Indian cultures the owl symbolized death, it was a warning that death was approaching. I laid down with Ethan and held him close to my chest, close to my heart, he was my heart. I couldn't loss him. _

_**March 12, 2007**_

"_Momma, momma." The smallest most beautiful voice yelled across the yard and I looked up into the most beautiful little face. Ethan ran towards me with one hand behind his back, I stood nervous worrying that the clumsy side that I gave him was going to come into play and trip him up. However, he didn't fall he made his way to me with as much grace as a two year old can have. He smiled big at me, dimples standing out against his ivory skin, warming my heart to the core. "I haf prise for you."_

"_You have a surprise for me?" I asked crouching down so were eye to eye. His brown eyes sparkled at me as he bobbed his little head up and down, brown locks floating with it. _

"_Flowders." He pulled a handful of wild flowers out from behind his back and held them out to me. I took them feeling the tears whelm up in my eyes; I wiped them away so he couldn't see. I tried to push thoughts of the owl that had seemed to be haunting me and the signs that pointed towards the end, but they weaseled their way into my mind. They infected me and I spent the last few days of EJ's life on edge. _

_**March 13, 2007**_

_I had a eerie feeling in the pit of my stomach, panic set in that something was horribly wrong. There was a horrid storm outside of my window, rain pounding down, wind blowing tree branches against the roof. Lightening and thunder shuddering through the house, it was so loud it woke me, but the house in itself was too silent. EJ hated storms they always made him fussy, but I didn't hear him crying. I had to swallow down the panic as I ran from my bed and into his room. Glancing over into his crib he looked pale, his breathing was extremely shallow, and not in the way that he was in a deep sleep. His finger tips were a strange bluish color as were his little toes. My heart pounded as I reached in and pulled him to my chest his eyes opened slightly, but they didn't focus on me. Sobs made their way to my chest as I took in the way his eyes rolled back in his head. I screamed for my parents as I wrapped him in a thick blanket and grabbed the diaper bag. Everything was a haze and I felt like I was moving in slow motion as I sprinted out to my car with Ethan clutched to my chest. I got into the back seat with him as my parents jumped into the front. I held him tight as we rushed to the hospital, I put his head to my heart and prayed to anyone who would listen. I couldn't lose him, I couldn't handle that. There had to be a miracle in the world for my perfect little son. _

_**March 15, 2007**_

_Two days ago, my life ended, but I still breathe and walk the earth. My heart is gone, my soul demolished, and my strength nonexistent. I cannot tell you what I am wearing and for all I know they could be the same cloths I was wearing two days ago. For nothing, matters to me anymore, I no longer have a reason to live, but I am still here. I don't want to be here, I want to be anywhere, but here. I am not afraid of hell, because this is my hell. My worst nightmare is before me and I can't even comprehend what is going on around me. I feel paralyzed as I watch helplessly, my heart and soul lays in a small blue casket as I sit on uncomfortable benches. My mother and father on one side crying into each other's shoulders, my best friend Jacob on my other with his warm arm wrapped around my shoulders in a way to comfort me. Nevertheless, it doesn't help nothing can help. I am not sure, if I am shaking or if it is after shock from Jacob's sobs. I don't know where to look so I continue to stare at the little blue casket, I can't see inside it from here, but I don't need to I know who is inside it. I know that everything I ever had or wanted is inside of it, soon to be hidden into the ground forever. _

_A slow beautifully sad song starts to play from somewhere above us, but I can't decipher the words. The man standing on the stage says something that I don't hear, but suddenly everyone is getting up out of their seats and moving towards the blue casket, towards my world. There are so many people here and I can't for the life of me remember who any of them are, they all hug me as they pass by and I just stand there with my arms by my side, lifeless.. _

_I stood staring into the casket people trying to pull me away from it, trying to make me move, but I couldn't. My beautiful son with his heart shaped face and brown locks laid inside. Kids were supposed to bury their parents, not parents bury their kids. I hated the universe, I hated myself, and I hated everything. They must have finally got me away from him, but I don't recall how. _

_**April**_

_Darkness. Nothing. _

_**May 2007**_

_Something smelled foul, like decay. It was soiled all around me and it made me want to vomit, but there was nothing in me to vomit. I couldn't recall my last meal or my last shower for that matter. My bed had become my home, it was were I spent every moment. Clutching a little blue blankie that smelt more like me than EJ, I cried tearlessly. I was so dehydrated that I was no longer producing tears. _

_My bedroom door creaked as someone entered, but I didn't pay them any attention. Suddenly I was scooped up off my bed and being carried. I had no idea who was holding me and I didn't bother to look. My mind was a sea of black, my soul was gone, and my heart was crumbled, nothing else existed. I wished for death, maybe who ever was carrying me was leading me to my death. _

_I could hear water running and tried to force my eyes open, they hurt so bad. It was as if someone had sucked all the moisture out of them and then rubbed a bucket of sand in them. They itched and burned all at once, the light sent a painful stab all the way to my brain. _

_Before I could comprehend what was happening the freezing water pricked at my skin, it was cold and I wanted to be wrapped back in my blanket. _

_Oh no! Blanket. _

_Ethan's blanket that I was clutching was now soaked in the freezing tub of water along with me and my clothes._

"_Fuck." I yelled pulling the blanket to me and sniffing it. His scent no longer remained on it. I slipped and slide in the tub as I tried to get out._

"_No you don't." Jacob's voice was rough and his hand forced me back down into the tub. _

"_Get your fucking hands off me now." I screamed as loud as I could, my voice was crisp and the dry sand was in my throat. _

"_Bella you have been in bed for two months, you smell like ass." He threw a bottle of liquid soap at me, but I ignored it and fought against him. _

"_Please let me go Jake, I have to find…" I couldn't finish the sobs were back full force. I heard Jacob sigh as he leaned down in front of me._

"_Listen Bells just get cleaned up; it might make you feel better. Okay?" Being clean would not make me feel better; it would not bring my son back. "We can do this the hard way or the easy way." _

_I gave in. My mother entered as Jake exited; she helped me strip out of the cloths and bath like a fucking two year old. She spoke about random stuff and sang to me, I didn't hear a word of it. As soon as I was dried and dressed I snuck into EJ's room. I went through the hamper, through his clothes and blankets. None of them held his scent strongly, but I could pick up small hints of him. I took them all to my room, my sheets had been changed and my bed made. I climbed in and surrounded myself with his dirty laundry. _

_**June 2007**_

_People lie. I know this, because some people say that time heals all wounds and that is a lie. With each passing day the pain grows, the heartache rips at me. I have nothing left to live for. Nothing. _

_Nothing. _

_I was nothing. _

_My mind came up with an idea for the first time in months, I wanted to die and truly be nothing. However, a small part of me hoped that I would find Ethan in another life. Heaven was a place that I wasn't sure I believed in and if I did kill myself, would they accept me? It didn't matter I didn't want to live without him. _

_I went into the bathroom and pulled out all of the pills in the cabinets. There were two bottles of Advil and a bottle of Tylenol. If I downed all three of those, they would surly do the job. I popped the top on the first one and stared down at the small white pills. They would provide me a release. _

"_Bella." My mothers voice sounded through the hall, I hurried to put all the pills up. I didn't want her to stop me or hospitalize me. _

_Once I had more time to think about it I realized I couldn't truly kill myself. Even though I hated my life and myself, I was too afraid something would go wrong and I would live. Then they would hospitalize me and I would never find my release from this world. _

_Somehow, an idea came to me as if it was summoned. I recalled what Jacob had told me when I told him that I snorted coke once. His words were 'that shit will kill you' and I hoped like hell he was right. That is what lead me to James and the magical white powder. _

"_How much you want beautiful?" James asked, smiling sadistically at me. _

"_How ever much this will buy?" I handed him the wad of cash, he counted it and handed me five small baggies of white powder. _

"_Don't take all that at once baby girl, I wouldn't want you to OD." _

_I took the magic dust with me and searched for the perfect place. I wanted to be with Ethan, but felt guilty about getting high at his grave so I did the next best thing. I drove to the La Push/Forks line and made my way down to Treaty Beach. It was the stretch of beach that connected Forks and La Push, Billy and Charlie always meet there to fish. They would always joke about meeting in the middle, it was a beautiful place. A place that we took Ethan to many times. _

_In my car, I dumped the first baggie of coke out on the console and used my license to line it up. It made up two lines and I used a straw to snort those up. They went straight to my head burning my nostrils; I shook it off and dumped out the next baggie. I had planned to do just the opposite of what James said; I planned to take all of it. I snorted my third line and everything else was a mystery. _

_I was floating high above the world; everything was made of shadows and abstract colors. I felt no pain, no misery, and no heartache. I couldn't remember my name much less why I would be in pain. Therefore, I floated. _

_I could feel myself coming down from my high, I could feel pain again, and then he was there. Ethan was standing in front of me holding out his little hands, light shinning all around him._

"_Mommy." He whispered and before I could reach him, he was gone. _

_I called for him frantically; I searched for him in the darkness that was left without him. The pain was worse, greater than it had been. I felt like I was being held down by bricks, my head was a fog of pain, and I was freezing. I knew I wasn't dead, because surly death wasn't this painful. _

_As I came to I found three sets of eyes looking down at me, they were tortured. The only three people left in the world that I held any love for, couldn't make it all go away. They just stared at me horrified. My lips were still moving and I could hear my voice whispering two words repeatedly, but I couldn't stop._

"_He's gone."_

_**November 2007**_

"_We can't live like this anymore!" Charlie yelled throwing my stuff down the stairs. His face as red as a tomato, I was coming down off a weeklong binge._

"_Charlie please calm down." My mother pleaded with him. I just sat silently staring out the window, I could hear their pain, but I couldn't find it in me to care. _

"_She is a fucking drug addict Renee. She won't let us help her and god help me if she kills herself, she isn't doing it under my roof. I won't have it. Either she gets help or she gets out!" I had never heard my father so angry and so hurt, but I couldn't do anything to fix it. _

"_Isabella, baby, please you have to stop this." My mother pleaded with me as she shook my shoulders, tears falling from her eyes, but I saw right through her as if she wasn't there. I stood up and grabbed one of the bags and walked towards the door, I glanced back and parted with five words._

"_Bury me next to him."_

_**December 2007**_

…


	7. 2008

**GRAPHIC WARNING: **These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic.

**Important Note: **These time lines may not line up perfectly with things that I have said in my story line, but it is most accurate this way. Sorry I am not perfect and the math when writing didn't line up perfectly when I put it into words.

_**January 2008**_

…_**..**_

_**February**_

_I was only sober one day, Ethan's birthday, and I spent the day sobbing on his grave. _

_**March**_

_Spent the whole month in a high induced coma, pretty sure I slept most nights on Ethan's grave._

_**April 2008**_

_I laid passed out cold on EJ's grave. _

_A warm hand shakes me awake._

"_Leave me the hell alone." I mumbled into the ground. _

"_Bella." Jacob said sounding pained and annoyed. "I know it hurts, but it has been a year. It is time for you to start healing, to start moving on. There are other people that need you." _

_I got up off the grave and looked into his dark eyes full of pity. I punched him in the chest and screamed at him, my words not coherent even for me to figure out. When I was too tired to hit him anymore he pulled me into a hug. _

"_Bella, it is time for you to come home." It wasn't a request, it was an order._

_It had been a year and two weeks since my baby boy was laid to rest and it felt like it only happened the day before. I had not healed at all and I felt like I never would. _

"_I don't have a home." I growled turning to run away from Jacob, he griped my arm tighter, not letting me get away. _

"_Yes you do. Please, your dad needs you, your mom is.." He didn't finish, but I could hear the pain in his voice. I looked up into his eyes._

"_My mom is what?" I asked feeling scared once again for the first time in a year. Once my world was gone there hadn't been anything for me to fear. All I wanted was to die and join him, but I was too big of coward to do it myself. However, at this point I was getting stronger._

"_She has cancer Bells." He said with a sadness radiating off of him. Suddenly everything started spinning and I once again feared that someone I loved was going to die. _

_The tears flowed and I felt the pain in my chest. I hadn't done a line of coke in to long (two days to be exact) and it was too painful. I ran for my bike and took off towards Port Angeles. I pulled up to the ratty old house in the worst neighborhood. I banged on the door and I heard scurrying inside._

"_Who is it?" The familiar sadistic voice called out to me in an angry tone._

"_Bella." I yelled back. My hands shaking and the emotions torturing me. The door swung open and James smiled down at me. _

"_The usual?" He asked gesturing for me to come in. Dirty, smelly mattresses laid about on the floor with half dressed people on them. Victoria, James's shank glared at me as I passed, but I paid no attention to her. Roaches crawled along the walls and floors ignoring the people in the house as if they owned the place. The house reeked of sex and piss, but in a minute my senses would be lost, so what did it matter. _

"_Double it." I said following him to the back of the house and he smiled greedily. I handed him all the money I had left and he handed me two little plastic bags. I dumped them on the counter and made four lines._

"_In a hurry today?" James teased as my hands shook. I usually went somewhere else to do this, but today I couldn't wait any longer. I hated myself for doing this, but it was the only way to ease the pain. The only way to see his little face and feel like he was here with me. This would be the last time so I had to make it good._

_**May 2008**_

_My stomach heaved and my head spun, my whole body was clammy as I dry heaved over the cold toilet. I had done nothing, but vomit for a month and I was going out of my mind. All I wanted to do was get high, but as I watched my mother lose her hair and vomit right along side me, I couldn't. She had been an amazing mother my whole life and I had to be here for her. I had to stand by her until she healed, until she was stronger, but I wasn't sure how someone as weak as me was going to give her strength. _


	8. 2009

**GRAPHIC WARNING: **These outtakes contain emotionally graphic material. Involves, but not limited to drug use, suicide, sex, violence, mature language, and emotional turmoil. Also there is a section that involves the death of a child, it does not go into detail and is not graphic.

**Important Note: **These time lines may not line up perfectly with things that I have said in my story line, but it is most accurate this way. Sorry I am not perfect and the math when writing didn't line up perfectly when I put it into words.

_**2009**_

_All of that year was painful and unbearable. I had to deal with my mom's sickness, while I still grieved for my Ethan. I still desperately wanted to die, but I couldn't leave my mother to deal with that on top of everything. Withdrawals from coke is far more excruciating than withdrawals from alcohol. I threw up nearly once a week and my body would shake like a freight train. My OCD got to the point where my parents thought I was high, because they caught me rearranging the kitchen at three in the morning, but in truth sleep was hard to come by. I dreamed of Ethan when I slept and in the morning it took all of my energy not to throw myself in front of a bus or call James. I only slipped once all year, but once was one time too much. The night I slipped my mother ended up trying to go to the bathroom after a day of chemo and I was suppose to be home, she had a bad fall. I didn't slip up again, I stood by her side no matter what it took._


	9. 2010

_**November 2010**_

_Edward Cullen walked into my father's garage and my life was forever altered._


	10. Moving Forward

_**Final words on her past as she moves into the future.**_

_Time passes, but unlike people say the pain doesn't go away. You can dull it, cover it up, and hide it away, but it is always there. My pain will always be there, but meeting Edward Cullen changed my life, he gave me life again. However, no matter how happy he makes me the pain will always be hidden away and I will always carry the scars of my past with me._

**End Notes: **Alright, those were just little outtakes on her life before Edward, if there is anything else you would like for me to write, just drop me a review and let me know.

Please Review

(Don't bash me about the things Bella went through, because people really do go through things like this. I haven't expirenced them, but they do happen.)


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